If you find yourself reacting to other people, it’s likely because your values are in conflict with their choices.
I find myself reacting to people in different ways all the time. It’s been a long process, but I’ve slowly learned to see my reactivity to others’ choices and behaviors as an opportunity to clarify my values.
For a week I’ve been feeling the effect of my reaction to my friend’s “surprise” news that he’d just gotten married. He married a guy from Colombia shot-gun style. He met his husband on Tinder while he was on vacation in Southern California and when he returned to Colombia they stayed in contact. A year later he returned to the U.S. to visit him. Three days before he was to leave, they got married.
When my friend told me the news, my feelings were shock and anger: I was shocked because he didn’t know the guy that well and angered because I learned the news second-hand.
Reflecting on my feelings, I identified a few things contributing to my reaction. On the one hand, I fear my friend’s being used; and on the other, I think he knows exactly what he’s doing. I’ve seen my friend fall for scams before, and I worry this is another one. But it’s too late. He didn’t ask anyone else’s opinion (that I know of) and made his own decision—which speaks to how he operates in the world.
I’ve also seen a lot of this in my community—a hot younger guy from another country finds an older single American guy with money.
They have a quick courtship and marriage. In the looks and body department, it’s an unequal pairing -the younger guy is typically quite attractive and the American, average.
The younger tends to exude a seemingly false innocence about the whole situation but clearly has a plan–find someone with a decent bank account and who is naïve and/or desperate enough to take themselves as the bait. I’ve seen it play out like this a handful of times: The younger expresses fear that his visa will expire, and he’ll have to leave the country. So, there’s a rushed marriage and their fates are sealed.
When I met my friend’s Columbian boyfriend (the week before I found out they’d gotten married) he told me how much he loved California and how he wanted to live in the United States. I get it, I mean I’d like to live in Mexico City, but I’m not looking to marry someone to do so.
I guess for me, it has to do with integrity and honesty not just with other people, but with ourselves.
His marriage caused me to remember the sometimes-dishonest way he operates in the world. One time we were at a park and he started pulling plants out of the groomed landscaping and putting them in his car. When I asked what the hell he was doing, he said his tax money helped pay for them and he was entitled to take them.
Don’t get me wrong, none of us are perfect, but it seems like sort of a dishonest rationalization to make something that may not be entirely honest, seem so. And maybe that’s a little bit of what’s coloring my view of my friend’s surprise marriage.
I don’t want to see him get taken advantage of, yet maybe he’s doing a little of the same. (His husband was vulnerable. He really wanted to live in the U.S. and was willing to do what it took to make it happen.)
Perhaps my friend’s being played or participating with a “player.” Or it’s a mutual understanding.
Whatever the case, the takeaway is to pay attention to how we operate in the world. This means paying attention so that our values and choices are aligned. This means being honest with others and ourselves.
I can’t necessarily do this on my own. But having friends who I am accountable to, and are willing to be honest with me, helps me live more authentically.
