Dating provides an opportunity for us to use the simple self-care strategy of taking things slow when getting to know potential romantic partners.
Maybe your defeat isn’t one of a failed passion or dream but one of dating or having a romantic relationship. For some of us, dating and love relationships may be more challenging than pursuing a passion because they’re areas that can possibly expose our deepest wounds.
Putting ourselves out there in the dating world requires courage—especially if you deal with self-esteem and insecurity issues.
In one of the rare times that I put myself out there, I let myself be vulnerable and went on a date. Six hours later, I received a text message from him telling me he already had a “connection” with someone else who he’d been dating for two weeks. That he was already dating someone else was news to me. Rejection, abandonment and anger came flooding in.
How could I have read the signs wrong? I went in with my eyes wide open. We had talked in advance and he didn’t say he was dating anyone. If I knew he’d already “connected” with someone and was dating him I wouldn’t have gone out with him.
The back story is: We met at work. I enjoyed talking to him. He was positive, sweet and handsome. He showed interest in me. It felt mutual. After several conversations at work we found we had spirituality in common. He invited me to his church. I met him there for a service and felt a connection to him. We talked for almost an hour afterwards. I felt safe enough to let myself be vulnerable and share some personal stories with regards to following passions that didn’t work out. I walked him to his car. We kissed. He said he hadn’t kissed anyone in a long time. He drove me to my car and said let’s text or talk on the phone later in the day. We kissed again. Later in the day he texted to tell me the “news.”
I’d been asking the universe to send me someone who would be okay with my clumsy, insecure, mixed-message sort of way of dating. Someone who would be patient as I navigated my deeply uncomfortable feelings around letting someone get to know me. Then this guy appeared. He said he didn’t have much dating experience either. It seemed “meant” to be.
He had the right to decide I wasn’t a good fit for him (as did I, him). But what bothered me was how he chose to do it. Not being up front about his dating-status and telling me in a text message bothered me. I felt misled. I took him into my confidence and ended up feeling betrayed and rejected. The good thoughts I had about him and his character went right out the window.
I wondered, “Is my guy-picker off? How is it I seem to continually choose the wrong/unavailable people?” At a deeper level, I listened to an erroneous old belief that said I’m flawed and therefore not healthy or whole enough to attract quality guys into my life. Pushing that thought aside, I realized there was something else there. That I was more self-protective in my approach to getting to know him.
Don’t reveal too much too soon–holding back a little is Self-Care.
But something different and unexpected occurred in this dating experience. I didn’t feel as hurt as I had in the past. I got over him somewhat quickly without having to do anything. Since this was out of character for me, I reflected on the experience and realized I had demonstrated resiliency.
Simply put, I’d taken better care of myself, where previously I had not. I didn’t jump into bed with him after first meeting, nor did I reveal too much about myself on our date. Dating attempts in the past found me seeking immediate acceptance and approval by revealing intimate parts of myself up front, in a “take me or leave me” sort of way, and/or heading to the bedroom and asking questions later.
Many people aren’t necessarily safe nor deserving to be entrusted with our more personal stories. Not exposing too much of ourselves, both literally and figuratively, early on is a good self-care strategy when getting to know someone.
A simple strategy to take care of myself when dating (which was years in the making), helped me “get over” him and move on to something better.
This is what taking care of myself looks like.
