The workplace can be very triggering which makes for a great opportunity to work on building our resilience.
Sometimes you lose your cool. Recently, I lost my cool at work. It was a personal setback for me.
Several weeks ago I was called into an impromptu meeting by a colleague in a lower position where he “unloaded” on my peers and me. Listening to his accusatory tone triggered me. Actually, the trigger started with the scolding email he sent beforehand. I didn’t think it fair nor right.
Recognizing my anger and frustration from feeling disrespected, I thought it best not to be the first to respond.
When I felt ready to speak my peace, I began controlled and measured. I wasn’t going to offer apologies. Instead, I told him directly that I didn’t like or appreciate his email. He responded in a tone I felt was condescending.
I reacted. I lost my cool. I interrupted what he was saying and my voice became louder. Before I knew it, I was done. I had made my point. I said more than I needed but was triggered and on roll. Despite my reactivity to the whole situation, afterwards, I felt “okay.”
However, in the days that followed I became increasingly flooded with feelings of shame, anxiety and fear. I heard other people gossiping to staff who were not at the meeting, that I “yelled” at him. Hearing that people were talking about my behavior (not the content of what I said, but that I raised my voice) rather than his, only activated me more.
In addition, I couldn’t escape my (likely exaggerated) feelings that there were going to be repercussions from him–afraid he might say or do something to me. Or that I would be reprimanded by my boss for my behavior.
Although several colleagues thanked me for standing up to him, the truth is, I found myself in a downward spiral of anxious and fearful feelings. I was disappointed in myself. Here this guy had gone from being the jerk to me looking like the jerk. All because I couldn’t regulate myself. My feelings were mixed because I’m used to apologizing for things, even when they aren’t my fault. But this time I didn’t think I needed to make an amend.
If you’re like me, being assertive and speaking our truth brings familiar yet overwhelming feelings of anxiety and fear.
Even for as much as we’ve worked on ourselves and our issues, there are moments when it seems to go out the window in a flash, leaving debris in its wake.
Sifting through the pieces of your emotional wreckage (triggers, shame, reactions, wounds) to try and understand how you could have lost your cool is an overwhelming task that may not be entirely productive nor worth it.
At times like these it’s too late to try and put the genie back in the bottle. What’s done is done. It’s time to tell yourself you’re okay and move on.
The lingering emotional energy of fear and anxiety and their physical effects are likely more powerful and weighing on you than the triggering event.
Tapping into your resources to process and cycle out the energy that’s still coursing through your body may involve talking to friends, walking, journaling, reading, watching TV, prayer, meditation, or whatever else works for you. Sometimes, it’s a matter of days before the feelings entirely dissipate which means we must “live through” uncomfortable feelings.
Although communicating our perspective in calm and regulated ways is the goal, learn to accept that it may never be a skill we master with aplomb.
We must not beat ourselves up. That only re-traumatizes us. We are a complicated people (and that’s a good thing!).
Trying to accept the clumsiness of our very human way of expressing ourselves, even in the workplace, is a good place to start. No one is putting pressure on us to execute “self-regulated” behaviors flawlessly.
It’It’s ok if it’s messy. And, yes, sometimes it’s okay to lose our cool, as long as we aren’t hurting ourselves, another person or thing. We just have to move forward.
Going through triggering experiences at work can be emotionally excruciating, but the process helps strengthen our resilience, particularly where we’ve got old wounds.
Post Script:
Before arriving to work the following Monday I was anxious. I asked a couple of friends to be on standby if I needed to text them for support. In the office, I practiced the basics — head held high, minded my own business, and kept telling myself I was “okay.” I had a few limited interactions with my colleague that turned out to be innocuous. If anything, he seemed to be cordial to me.
Sometimes situations resolve themselves without having to say or do anything. We just need to show up and walk through the uncomfortable feelings. Letting others see our humanness is good for them too.
Keep moving forward, practice those recovery behaviors when triggered in the workplace. You’ve added to your resilience. You’ve cracked open the door and are moving into the healing light.
